friday. blah.

I don't understand the taboo subject of ... miscarriage. it's like on the lion king when the hyenas hear the word 'mufasa' and start shaking in their furry boots. it's like people see it as being awkward for them ... and therefore, make the person actually dealing with the pain, suffer even more by making them feel isolated and alone.

i'm lucky enough to have a few people in my life who, awkward topic or not, are extremely supportive. but, the overall consensus is that it's just not something we're supposed to talk about. and i'm not good with that. it gives me knots in my stomach, and makes me want to yell in the faces of those people that just because you don't know what to say, doesn't mean you don't say anything! just a, 'hey, i heard about what happened. i'm really sorry, how are you?' does wonders! or even a, 'if you need to talk, let me know.' odds are, the conversation will take itself from there. at least then the person feels like you're there for them.

this is still all very new to me. almost a month now. and most of the time, i'm really ok. i have two beautiful children i adore, and a husband that's the most supportive person i've ever met. and i've not given up on a third baby by any means. i'm working on moving on. and, as i said, most days are just fine.

BUT, i'm allowed to have my days. days where i feel robbed. robbed of a life that was supposed to be part of my family. a life to give my babies a little brother or sister. and there's nothing fair about it. right now, i'm supposed to be enjoying pregnancy, worrying about getting the b-monster potty trained before the upcoming due date, and arguing with my husband about baby names. and instead, i have gut wrenching heartache and sadness for the loss of that life ... no matter how small that life might have been.

i don't care who you are. whether your pregancy is planned, unplanned, wanted, unwanted ... it doesn't matter. the minute that test is positive, a bond has started between you and that life. and to go from planning your life around that to having it just ... gone. it's awful, and so very sad.

on another note, just because i miscarried, doesn't mean i'm not happy for pregnant friends and family. i don't sit around with voodoo dolls wishing bad things. and yet, it's another topic that gets avoided, causing even further isolation from EVERYONE. it doesn't help. for example ... just because your grandma died, doesn't mean you don't ever want to talk about grandmas again ... it will make you think of her, yes. but isn't that part of the grieving process? 'hush-hushing' when the person walks in the room because you're talking about babies = BAD idea. not to mention, it's just tacky. if the person isn't comfortable, they will:

a) say something.
b) leave.

ugh. obviously not the best day in the world. at least i can go have a drink after work, right?